Domestic Violence-”Stand there and watch me Burn”-Eminem – Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

 

I have absolutely no regrets about being married three times. What I regret is not being awake, present, conscious and alert to signs I should have seen in the beginning of these ‘relationships’-and heeding them. Of course I have excuses. The first one, I was running from daddy’s house at 18 years old, the second one I was needing an older man to take care of me and my children-and I thought I was in love, and the third one; well he helped me put out all my anger fires and I was going to give it another chance to have a ‘normal family’. You can’t blame my upbringing either, my parents were married 30 years. But there was mental and emotional abuse.

I ended generations of the women in my family (esp my mothers side) being abused physically, emotionally and mentally. What I had to do was plow ahead, take a stand and say enough is enough. Three marriage, three families, three periods of life all equaling between 4 to 7 years each. The last two were supposed to be for life. I have been exposed to many different cultures now, where divorce is frowned upon, the men are still in their archaic type thinking and women are afraid to look bad. And they take it.

They take it. We take it. And we are humiliated if we leave. Society frowns upon the strong woman, the woman who leaves the man. The mother who leaves the father, and the children have to suffer, right? Wrong. Children see so much more by having the family united, the father and mother fighting, screaming, yelling, in each others faces. Morning, noon and night. I would wake my children at 7:15 am before school with the sounds of my fights with my husband. And I knew it, and I hated it, and I did not want that for them. I rather them have a so called ‘broken family’ then have them see and hear that.

What is ‘broken’ is the pain that the children feel when they can’t control the adults in their life fighting and abusing each other. I fought back. I fought back, and my ex says I started some of the fights. I probably did. Imagine me laying in my bed at night seemingly peaceful, going to sleep…in between fights, with an imaginary rifle next to my bed, next to my pillow. Ready for anything. Ready for the next fight. I pretended I had a normal life, and had fun with him and the children in between the fights. The movies, parks, trips, etc…there was plenty of laughing and time together. Why would I leave over this aggressive behavior that was only here and there? I can take it, right? I should take it.

I had time to get over a fight, a few minutes before my husband apologized or try to cuddle with me and try to repair the damage….I should get over it, what is wrong with me that I couldnt ‘let it go?’ But, the fighting had me suffocated, I could never be really happy-I started to hate him for making me feel so bad. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. Embarrassing me in front of my children (ages 18yrs to 4 years). Did I see any of this from the beginning? Yes, I even tried to end it a few times, but he knew better than me and worked it out so we could stay together. Over time, it seemed the bulk of the unhappiness from our relationship was my responsibility. If I wasnt the one unhappy, we would be all ok. So, I guess it all ended on my shoulders.

I tried to make it work, I tried to help him, then finally I helped me. I tried to love him through it all, I tried with everything I had. I gave it all I had, until I had nothing left. And then I left. I left for good. And he has gone back and forth with it being his responsibility and then no, it was my responsibility for it ending. Sometimes he says it is my fault for not making it work, and sometimes he takes responsibility.

My new life.

My new life has no abuse. My new life does not have fighting. My new life does not bring me this type of pain.

But the stigma remains. I now am a woman with three marriages and 5 children from two families. What happens? I am the one that is ridiculed. I am the one that is wrong. I am the one who should not have gotten married. I am the one who should not have believed in love. I am the one who should not have left an abusive marriage, right? Right. This is what I discover as I travel and meet new cultures, as I am learning about cultures, ancient cultures.

Women have to stay. Why suffer the ridicule, the comments, the stigma? It’s better to stay, the kids could cover their ears. If we hug them after and buy them a toy, they will be ok. We can take them to a movie, and hope they dont see through the happy laughter with tension underneath as we hold the hand of the man who has caused us so much pain. Why not, we can do it. We don’t have to be happy, that is for other people. We don’t deserve that type of happiness and peace. My mother and aunt and grandmother went through it, so why can’t I? “Just try to make them happy” is what I am told. Like “just throw him a piece of meat, maybe he will stop growling.”

I got tired of standing there and watching myself burn.

And letting my children watch me burn.

So, now my children get to have split homes, and I get to have a stigma, a sign on my head from my divorces. Because I took a stand, because I left. Where is the justice? There really is no justice. The only reward I get is when I can empower women to demand better in their lives, to stand against the old school belief system of marriage and ‘just take it’. And to be present. To be awake. To pay attention, to heed the little voice. Women are born with intuition. We need to listen to that warning system.

I refuse to live that way anymore.

And I know what I am made of now. I know what I can offer the world. I know the difference I make in my community and with my children. I love myself too much to pretend to be happy.

So let people ridicule, judge, let people whisper, let people have their opinions…at least I get to sleep at night.

 

Oriah